I go to E3 every single year. I didn't see a point on making a big effort out of it because I go every single fucking year. And you seemed like you wanted to keep distance from me, so it is what it is. Which, well hey I was right, because you always seem to disappear when the going gets tough, so why can't I? It's hypocritical. What made me angry was that you say you love me, and then you ask for a break. You say you love me, you ask for a break, you tell me you're unhappy. How does that make me feel? Answer: makes me feel like a failure and like fucking shit. Surprise.

I don't understand why you keep pushing me to see my flaws. I know my fucking flaws, Tara. I know my weaknesses. I know what is wrong with me. I know how horrible of a person and a boyfriend that I am, and you don't need to remind me. I know all about how you think I won't commit because I'm always expecting the other shoe to drop. You knew this about me when we started dating. You knew this about me when you said you loved me. I can't look to the future because I don't believe that I have a future, so I usually go one day at a time. Hell, waking up and realizing I'm still alive is a good moment for me most of the time before the rest of the day goes down hill. I don't know what you want from me. I already told you I can't change because I have been this way for 37, almost 38 years.

If we're already "taking a break" as you said, then why do you need another one? Why do you need to make it an official break? How does that work exactly? "Oh, I don't really want to work on anything with my fucking mess of a boyfriend, I can go on a break until I feel like dealing with him again! This is perfect!" Is that what you were thinking? Because that was exactly how all of that came across. Drew is fucking up again, so I need a break to figure out if I want to bother being with this shithead or not.

You cannot say that I make you happy though. You cannot say, to quote you, "but it just never really feels like you really trust me, like you're just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Frankly, that sucks and it's hard to fight the feeling that no matter how hard I try to do better and be better, it'll never be enough. Sometimes it feels like I'll never be enough." and then turn around and decide, "Oh but you make me happy!" That doesn't prove anything happy. When was the last time we had a good day and I really made you laugh? Or I really made you smile and go "this was a good decision, he is a good decision." The answer is never. I have never done those things. Because I am a horrible boyfriend. Which seems to be the point you keep driving home. I'm not attentive enough.I'm not present enough. I'm not caring enough. I'm not smiling enough. I'm not happy enough. I'm not making you feel like you're good enough. I'm not doing X, Y, Z, so then we need a break to figure out our "future".

You want your fucking break? Have your fucking break. Tell yourself that this will fix things then. I do not understand how a break is supposed to make us, to quote you "better and stronger, both as people and as a couple". How do you learn to "be able to look forward, to be together" because of a break? There is a reason they call it a breakup. Because breaks don't work. But if for some reason you believe this will make a difference for you, then do it. Do what you want.

Does it really matter if I'm in or not? You were going to do it anyway, and you keep pointing out my flaws. Note: I have not done that once. I have not said anything that you need to change about yourself. I have not said anything negative to you about who you are as a person. But, hey, it's okay to keep pointing out the things I don't do right, and that I'm failing on. Because that's totally okay when you don't take any of the blame on yourself.

But you want that "break", then fine. Take a break from me. Whatever. Do whatever you want. You were going to do that anyway. Call it what you need to call it to make yourself feel better. Whatever.

Just remember: I have said time and time again that I don't deserve you, that you're too good for me, that I don't know why I some how got you. And just remember that in relationships, if you even want to call this that anymore, you don't constantly point out the other person's fatal flaws like you're listing off items on a grocery list.

Just tell me what you want me to do, and I'll do it. Just at least have the decency to call a spade a spade while you do it.

---