Hey.

Not sure why you didn't just email this, but I don't know. Maybe you..I don't know anymore. Anyway.

I read this whole thing a few times, and yeah, you said that this isn't you...ending things, but this sure as hell sounds like that. And yeah, I was right in that saying the l-word ruins things, because asking for a break after you say it? Doesn't really bode well for our...whatever this is anymore. You said it yourself. You're not happy. I've known this for a while. I've thought you were settling for me, and honestly, maybe I was right. Maybe this whole letter proved that I was right. Maybe you were settling because you've never really had anyone else outside of the FBI/CIA/Whatever. Maybe you're settling for other reasons. But you're settling. I still don't know why you said you l-word me, and now I'm really not sure why you said that, when you're requesting a break so soon after. Has it even been a week? I don't think it has. I suppose it doesn't matter, but what I'm taking from this is that once again I ruined something.

Yes, I hold you at arms length and I don't let you in. Because I foresaw this happening, because I knew it would happen because it always does. Like you said. One moment we're fine, and then next we're not. I know that's because of me. Because I don't know what to say and I don't know how to make you happy, and it's so painfully clear that you're not. And then you just said that you're not, so I mean I guess I didn't really need to repeat that, but. It is what it is. Personally, I don't think I'm enough for you. You need someone who makes you happy, not miserable. As much as I'd like to be that person, it's clear to me after reading this that I'm not that person at all. I'm not what you need. Or really what you really, really want. Only what you think you want, what you think you love.

Okay and yes, I live in the past. Because the past is the reason why I am who I am today, and it just is how I function as a human being. I am not happy. I'm not a happy person. I am a miserable person, a functional alcoholic, a pseudo workaholic who shoves everyone away. I am incapable of being happy, because I always think everything is going to end in flames. I know they will, they always do, and your letter proved it. Everything I get close to decides to leave or take a break and it's...well. It is what it is. It's not like I can do anything to change that. If I can, well, then I'm a failure at seeing how. But I am well aware of my flaws, and you didn't really need to spend a paragraph or two pointing them out to me. I thought maybe I could have a future with you, that maybe I could make you happy, and I'd be happy because I was making you happy. And I'm not making you happy. I'm making you miserable. So miserable that after you say that you love me, you want to leave me. Go on a break. Whatever. It's all the same fucking thing. You can say all you want that I didn't let you down, but I did. I did, because I didn't make you happy. I don't think I ever did. This letter kinda proves that.

I don't need you waxing poetic for paragraphs about how I need to fix my life, and how I need to look for the future, and how I need to know that it's not going to be easy. I fucking know all of this, Tara. But if you want a break, then fine. Have a break. People don't come back from breaks and decide 'oh let's be together'. I don't come back from breaks. So if you just want to end it, then just fucking say that and have the balls to do it. Don't say you want a break and hope you'll always be there with sunshine and fucking rainbows because that's not how the fucking world works.

I'm glad you're going to the conference, and I'm glad you're going to figure out what to do with your life, but it's clear that you're not overly thrilled with the idea of having me in it with you. Which, I get. I'm not going to change as a person, it's just who I am. If you have a chance to be happy, and be with someone else who challenges you in a good way and makes you happy and cheers you on, and doesn't make you feel guilty, then...you should do it. I don't want you settling for me.

Do I wish you said this all in person? Yeah. Most of this I saw coming, or knew kind of and just needed the confirmation. But I never really thought I'd get a breakup letter, or a letter asking for a break, whatever it's the same fucking thing, but hey. The l-word does equal disaster. Don't say I never told you so.