.

You're messed up.

That's the nicest word for it of course, and you know really the actual phrase should be "you're fucked up", but well these days it all just blends together. You're a mess, and you're fucked in the head at this point, and it's all relative.

You're not big with forgiveness, and it takes a long time for you to fully forgive. After all, you've been through hell and back, with growing up with the family that you had (and ignoring the 50th call from your mother in jail trying to win you back to her side, but it won't happen now) and you've mostly been on your own. Then, once you found yourself blended in with Weasel, with Jack Hammer, you've had to remember all the other times that friends have tried to kill you, or left you for dead, or just left you while you spent your life on the run from the douchebags known as the Avengers. (You hate them. You really, really, hate them, and maybe they're different in this world, but you're not about to befriend one to find out.) But you have to force yourself to forgive the past, especially for the incidents in the past life, because things are different now, right?

Except being tortured, electrocuted, and then stabbed, most of it by someone you called a confidant and someone you trusted sucks and maybe you don't want to forgive her. Your scars aren't healing too well, but that's because you were stitched up in your apartment and not in a hospital, avoiding them at all costs. Not your smartest move, but what else did you have as options? Besides, it's the emotional and mental scars that are the ones that are the worst, and you're finding yourself constantly wondering how you get into this situations. Not just as Weasel, but as Drew, someone who always seems to find himself in situations where crazy is the new normal and being sane is considered to be crazy, and you always end up in the crosshairs somehow. You're always getting hurt.

Getting hurt physically, mentally, emotionally. Being left by those you loved, being left by those who swear that "I'm not like your ex" and they end up leaving anyway, being left by those who manipulate you enough to make you think you'll never be worthy of anything good and real in your life, and you've started to believe it. Getting close to people is a problem, because when you get close, they see who you really are and they leave. It's exactly what happens, each and every time, and you're always hurt in some way, shape, or form. Because isn't that just how it goes? You're Drew Powers, you're Jack Hammer, you're Weasel, you're a disaster, you're messed up, you're fucked up, and you're stuck. You're in a rut and there isn't anything that you can do about it.

It's so much easier to hide in your house, you've built it up like a fortress, you've welded security doors, you've built up your robot dog to be more of an attack dog that will save you if needed.

You've even done the extreme: you've invented a new version of your teleporter, that can rest under your skin, where no one can ever take it from you again. It's an extreme measure to holding onto the safety of being able to run at a moment's notice. So, you haven't implanted it yet, because you're scared of what that will mean. You're always scared. Of everything, of everyone.

You tell yourself that you should just go along with what people want from now on, and get good at faking it. If you're detached, it's easier for you to move on when things go wrong. So, you tell yourself to forgive, because you have to, even if you're not sure if you can tell her anything anymore (and that kills you, because you miss her. This is a pain that you've given yourself, and it's hard to get past). You tell yourself to pretend to be happy, so when someone else admits that "would it be so bad?" to be with you, you hold back the it's a horrible idea and just give in, because it would make her happy as well. Even though you know it's a bad idea, even if you know that ultimately, she's just going to leave you too. Because everyone leaves. You drink. A lot. It numbs the emotions that you're too scared to feel, and you're finding yourself more and more closed off. You don't talk to anyone much these days, and maybe that's okay. Because if you don't make any effort, if you don't leave the house, then you can't get hurt. You can't feel betrayed. You can't lose anything else.

It might save you being even more messed up in the future.