.

"it fucking sucks to know how badly i hurt you, and i have to live with that, i accept the consequences of my actions, even if i don't totally understand why i did what i did. but that doesn't mean that i'm not thinking about you and hoping you're alright, because i will never not care about you."

Like an idiot, you keep old emails and text messages from your ex, because you apparently like to torture yourself. It's so easy to do these days, because you're so easily angered these days. You've kept her last words to you, for reasons you don't know why, because well you're a sucker for pain. Or rather, maybe you're a sucker for proving to yourself that you're right. That you were always right. She was always going to leave, just like the others, because that's how it always goes. That is always the pattern, and there is no other way around it.

You like someone, you fall for someone, things seem okay, and then they're not. Then you argue, but she promises you that you no matter what, she will always be around. That she will always care for you. That she will always be your friend. That she will not leave you, even if you're just friends (even though you know that's not what she wants, because she loves you, and you tried so hard to love her too but something isn't sticking there that you just can't see. You feel terrible about it.)

But then she leaves without a word to you, moves out of the city, and you have to find out from her roommate and your close friend that she's gone. So, you're proven right. She was just like everyone else, she left like everyone else. You're angry of course, because you have every right to be. From what happened between the two of you, well it's not something you want to talk about ever again, and you know the relationship wasn't the healthiest, but you miss her. You're not sure what that says about you, of course, because well missing an unhealthy relationship most likely does not bode well for you. But you do, because you're a sucker for pain. You're also someone who hates to be alone so desperately that you'll try to force yourself into situations that you think will eventually make you happy.

It didn't work this time though, and you know that. You miss being happy. You miss laughing along with someone you care for, you miss looking into the eyes of whomever that person is, and feeling safe and loved, you miss not being alone. You have your friends, of course, that's not the issue. If you didn't have them, you'd be lost, you'd be nothing. You know that if you didn't have Jack and Gabe to lean on...well you're not sure where you'd be.

Which is why, when Gabe goes missing, you join Jack and Alison to find him, because they need Gabe back, you need him back and you need to know that he is okay, because nothing else matters. And when he is found, hurt but okay, you hug him, and he winces, you crack a joke soon after, and everyone laughs. Because things need to feel normal if he's going to heal and you know those feelings. You know those feelings all too well, knowing that you have to try to put yourself first, that you have to try to let yourself heal, that you need to see that life is too short to worry about everyone else before yourself. You know that's how he is, so you get it. Because you're exactly the same way.

Which is why you are at home now, reading the last things you ever said to your ex and the last things she ever said to you before she disappeared without a word to you. You want to say that you were surprised that this happened, but you're not. Nothing really surprises you anymore, and through everything, you at least thought maybe she'd be one of the few to keep her word, to stay around. But well, you also can't blame her for leaving. Because you both said things that were harsh, but also that you meant and maybe it was good to be apart. It doesn't feel good, of course, because being alone never feels good, but it's the life that you've decided to choose for yourself.

It's easier this way, because with most of your family dead now, your mother in jail, the case against her building, you don't really have a lot to be happy about. You've done a few tinder dates here and there but it's nothing to write home about and truthfully you're scared of really letting anyone new in, because you're pretty certain that you're cursed. That any person you decide to like, go on dates with, any of that, they'll leave. You have the worst complex in the world now and you know that, but there isn't anything that you can really do about it. Right? Because you're the problem, right?

It's the weirdest thing to admit, to know that you are the problem and no one is to blame for this misfortune but you. Well, and those who treated you wrong in the past, so much that you've lost your self-esteem and you're not sure if you're even worth getting to know or being with, but that's more your family and exes from years ago, not the recent ones. You're still not the most desirable person, and you know this, and well, it's easier to be alone. Life is way too short to waste...so why would you let anyone waste their lives on you?

This is where you are now, alone in your home, looking over old emails and messages, before you finally press 'delete' and erase everything from your hard drive. You erase her number from your phone, you erase all memories of her, even though it hurts like fuck still, but you have to move on. Move on to be alone, but moving on works, right?

There's something else that you're about to do before there is a sharp headache that comes out of nowhere, and it knocks you back, causing you to fall off your chair and your head hits the floor hard and the feeling that something is coming, or something isn't right washes over you. But it's a short lived moment, as the sharp headache gets worse, and you blackout from the pain.